Two much-dissected topics of discussion I’ve returned to with friends are that of visibility and invisibility. The answer is always, to approach both with equanimity. But with every peek over the parapet or rejection letter, the work of dissection and reflection begins again. To arrive at equanimity takes some introspection.
Let me share with you some of the thoughts I’ve developed. There is clarity to visibility, right? You make work, you put it out there, and now you want to reap the rewards, praise, plaudits, buyers, collectors, interviews, prestige, etc etc. And rejection: we dust ourselves off, pick ourselves up and carry on. Well, having a public profile has downsides, which sounds incomprehensible when you’re more used to rejections: we imagine our alternative charmed life in which our genius is not overlooked. Everything slots into place easily as we drink in the praise and support, yes?
It’s not so simple. When I received the phone call that I was in the first Platform/Freelands cohort with Site Gallery, I experienced a disorienting feeling of being lost. It was the first significant yes I had ever received. I had not built any internal infrastructure to receive acceptance and I couldn’t internalise it. I didn’t feel an imposter, I just didn’t know where to put the support. The cycle of rejection letters is clear: keep applying. But getting what you want. That was destabilising. I don’t think this is an easy discussion to stage, how do you say, ‘I’m validated, I feel lost’?
From my discussions with friends, with larger public profiles, grander opportunities than me, there can still be complicated feelings. It’s not as simple as invoking ‘imposter syndrome’, it’s more, how do you turn opportunities and visibility into something that you bring into yourself, that you use to leverage your next steps with confidence? Because the spotlight of visibility can dazzle. It’s easy to forget what you want to do next when you receive praise and external validation. It’s not easy to process that stuff, to evaluate it with neutrality. To not be taken in by the dazzle and instead draw your own meanings so that you can utilise that visibility, exchange it for more of what you want.
This process of analysing and unpacking the praise we receive involves developing unflinching, truthful clear-sightedness in relation to our work. We can then articulate for ourselves what of our work we like, we want to do more of, what we want to expand on. It’s a kind of stock-check, and it means we can begin to feel self-validated. When we feel self-validated, we can detach a little from outside validation or rejection. This process also means we can see the worth we accumulate as beans. Sure, external validation can be a part of our bean accumulation. But if we don’t recognise the value of our beans, we can’t exchange them for more of what we want. I’ve often thought that I’ve handled having a small amount of beans rather well, because I’m good at exchanging my beans for what I want, and making my beans work for me. There can be a kind of spotlight paralysis that comes with visibility which gets in the way of taking our own pleasure in our beans, in our work.
And so: equanimity. Receive outside appraisal with equanimity, and build resilience to handle those outside perspectives through cultivating a love of our own work.
I’m reminded of these conversations on visibility and invisibility now as I evolve into new forms of work. I self-promote. I put myself out there. Past versions of myself might have thought of self-promotion as a bit shameless. Well, I’m saying ‘I’m available, my taxi light is on! I can do this with you’. It reminds me of all those applications I’ve written, messages sent out. But whereas those proposals invite an organisation or institution to confer something on me, now I confer that on myself. So I make myself increasingly visible and raise myself over the parapet, and necessarily, I must say, ‘hey! I’m rather good’. The self-validating muscles must work even harder.
I work with a broader range of folk than visual artists alone. If ever you feel what I write resonates with you, and you want to unpack your own specific experiences, feel free to reach out. We could have a targetted hour together, investigating your own instances of disempowerment. We can take a look at your beans together, and negotiate practical ways you can take ownership of your beans. Or I could work with you over a longer period of change and transition. It’s my new service to support you.
Visibility and Invisibility Pain